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Still, I told myself this was the decision I made. I was married with two young children and I decided I'd make the best of it. I didn't consider divorce.
What I hadn't realized is that over time I grieved the end of my marriage while I was still in it. I lay awake in bed at night crying, wondering how it was ever going to get better.
He was next to me in bed, never a word to me, never wrapped his arms around me, never asked what was wrong. Our sex life was rote and obligatory and from a standpoint of true intimacy, completely unfulfilling.
I was incredibly lonely. I talked to him, asked him why, told him what I needed. I tried speaking in a number of different ways, quietly, lovingly, matter-of-fact and angrily.
I asked about couples therapy, but he refused. Sometimes he would make an effort and that helped restore my hope that we would be okay. But more often he was defensive and said I imagined all this, said I was overreacting.
So I threw myself into my children and work and ignored my own needs. I did this for a very long time and continued to put myself last on my own priority list.
When I cheated on my husband, it wasn't something I planned. I know that's what they all say but it's true. I certainly wasn't looking for it. A friendship with another man grew into something that was not tawdry sex, but a renewed sense of happiness and hope.
It evolved over time and wasn't based in lust, but conversation, appreciation and understanding. Things I hadn't really ever had from my husband.
As I told my best friend to help explain it, sometimes you don't realize you're in an abyss until you begin to see daylight. For those who say I didn't try -- I did, for the better part of a decade and a half.
For those who will judge me, I understand and that's your right. Again, I don't condone cheating. If I had known what would happen, and was aware of myself enough to understand what it all meant, I would go back and end my marriage before any infidelity took place.
But I didn't realize much of anything at the time, even as I was going through it. For me and my situation, I truly believe it was inevitable and the only way things could have happened.
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